The transitions between a career woman to motherhood, and then the juggle of being a working parent, has been the most extraordinarily challenging part of my life thus far. In the past I had read many commentaries about the struggles, the judgements, the hardships. As much as I could read and digest what was said, it wasn’t until the last few years passed by that I’ve really started living it. Not that it’s an awesome thing to live – because it’s not. But I really didn’t understand just how chaotic it was. I didn’t really understand the exhaustion. I didn’t think I could feel so pulled, so inadequate, I didn’t think I could feel like such a failure at every.single.thing in my world. But, I have. I do. Most days I still am. 

Being a mom has opened my eyes to the extreme energy that caregiving full time takes. It has given me perspective on how helpless tiny humans are. Being a mom has also given me a sense of wonder in regards to how humans reproduce – the raising of young – how things would have been done in older times – more primitive moments in history. There is a whole new world to explore that only unfolds before you to view once you join the force of “mom’s.” Obviously having this platform available to me means that I will get to discuss many of these things at length, but for now I just want to reflect on this part. The part of being a mom AND having to work. 

It was never my intention. I always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. I thought I would be so happy, completely fulfilled, enjoying nearly every moment, having my little kidlets at home with me all day. I would teach them, play with them, cook with them, craft…we would read stories and have outings and bubble baths…. and then reality hit. See, we don’t get to pick our kids. My firstborn is a high needs kid, and his constitution was made clear to us by about four days of life when he stopped sleeping more than an hour at a time. Rinse and repeat until he was four years old and our family doctor finally got a referral into a pediatric sleep clinic for investigation to start. Long story short, he has obstructed sleep apnea which is the reason why he has NEVER slept more than 2-3 hours in a row. He will be six years old in a few weeks time, and he’s never slept “through” the night. Sleep is a vital human need (in case you didn’t know). I knew that having a baby would mean sleepless nights, but I never imagined it could be years before I would sleep a full night. The torture, the exhaustion, the rage, the resentment. None of those emotions populate quicker than when your baby won’t sleep no matter what you do. Until you have a kid that doesn’t sleep, you just don’t understand. For real. Oh, your 2 month old baby is waking up 3x a night? I’m so sorry to hear. [eyeroll] Like really, until you’ve lived in the delirium that comes with years of chronic sleep deprivation and exhaustion, you just can’t understand.

I’m not really looking for sympathy (ok, I’m looking for a little…) when it comes to sleep, I’m just trying to paint the full picture. I have my first baby, he doesn’t sleep. He doesn’t like to play independently, he doesn’t go to daycare, and we are the first in our “group” to have kids. So I end up feeling pretty alone. Lonely. It’s hard being home alone with a high needs, crying, non-sleeping kid all day long, every day. There was no joy. There were no crafts. I settled deep into postpartum depression that I’m sure the sleep deprivation was a powerful catalyst. And I still had to work.

You see, while I had never intended to work, my husband was an entrepreneur at heart. He was mentally suffering immensely, working a desk job to support our family. With our colicky, forever-fussy baby, my doula (and friend) suggested trying a baby wrap. Perhaps being held upright in a carrier would help settle him and offer me a tiny piece of sanity. Well it certainly did! And with it came a new door opening – baby wearing was a THING! There were facebook groups, local meet ups, a subculture I had never heard of or could have imagined pre-kid. As the lights turned on for me, I began an obsession with learning the language of these carriers. And the fabrics – OH MY the fabrics! They were so beautiful, the colours and patterns brought so much life and vibrancy to some of them and I just wanted to buy every.single.one! Enter reality – maternity leave, house poor, first time parents… I was spending money we didn’t have on carriers that I technically didn’t need. And then my wonderful husband sparked this idea, what if we just made the carriers? These wraps that were so highly sought after, that many moms around the world wanted – we could surely just figure out how to make them, right?! And we would be a success and he could quit his job and just run his own business and I could go back to being the stay-at-home mom I wanted to be! Yay a solution!

Enter failure. Followed by failure. Followed by failure.

**to be continued in part 2**